my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
