Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
It's Friday. Sex?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
