I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
