If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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