I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He better not be in your backpack
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
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