i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
