my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
