he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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