I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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