His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
