Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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