Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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