I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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