I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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