Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
