i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
