I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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