we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
This house was built for laser tag.
sarcasm needs its own font
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
