so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
