She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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