Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
