Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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