Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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