Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
