I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
