tonight lets celebrate not being married
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
