how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
