I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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