Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
