Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
