Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
