I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
