yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
