She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
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