I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
