I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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