WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Randomize
