I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
