oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
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