Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
