....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
