Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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