God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
you never un-have a 4some
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
