it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
