I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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