she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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