just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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