At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
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