apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
