You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
After tacos, we're chasing women.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
