What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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