The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
