all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
